Whistler planning major boundary expansion

UPDATE: We hope you enjoyed this year's April Fool's story! There are no plans to annex Pemberton (as far as we know), and everything in the below story is made up. Except for the quotes, which are all real things U.S. President Donald Trump has said about Canada.

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The Resort Municipality of Whistler (RMOW) is quietly planning a major boundary expansion to the north of the world-famous ski resort, according to a recent report to council behind closed doors.

Sources say the contentious move would have major impacts throughout the Sea to Sky region, potentially damaging relations with local First Nations and Pemberton to the north.

According to meeting audio shared with Pique, officials discussed potential ramifications of the boundary expansion at a recent closed-door meeting.

In the recording, unnamed officials can be heard discussing various means of accomplishing the expansion, which is so vast it would effectively mean the complete annexation of Pemberton.

Officials can be heard casually discussing the boundary expansion, how they might accomplish it, and the potential political fallout in the region.

“Here’s my problem with Pemberton,” one unidentified official can be heard saying in the recording. “Pemberton was meant to be part of Whistler, because we subsidize Pemberton by one million farm visits a year. We don’t need their potatoes. We don’t need their horses. We don’t need their workers. We don’t need anything.”

Various officials can be heard discussing what they describe as “a very big deficit with Pemberton,” and the possibility of assuming control of the burgeoning municipality via “economic force.”

Whistler could potentially place tariffs on Pemberton’s produce, or detain its citizens from freely leaving Whistler as means of coercion, one official floated.

“I deal with every municipality, indirectly or directly. One of the nastiest municipalities to deal with is Pemberton,” one official can be heard saying.

“Good old Mike—I call him Councillor Richman—his people were nasty, and they weren’t telling the truth. They never told the truth. You know they’d say, ‘Well, we don’t ski.’ Well they do. They ski tremendous.”

Noting many people move from Whistler to Pemberton to escape the hustle and bustle of resort life, one anonymous official wondered if Pembertonians might push back.

“I love the people of Pemberton. We have a great relationship, but if they became part of Whistler, it would be the greatest thing they could ever do,” another replied. “It would be unbelievable. It would be a cherished part of Whistler and think of how beautiful that village would be without that artificial line running right through it. Somebody drew it many years ago with a ruler, just a line.”

When one voice objects to some of the rhetoric being used, another cuts in, saying Pemberton “doesn’t pay its share.”

“But why are we supporting a community, one million-plus farm visits a year? Our ski hill is at their disposal, all of these other things,” they say. “They should be part of Whistler. That's what I told Richman when he came down. I said, what would happen if we didn't do it? He said Pemberton would dissolve.”

Another person points out the produce Pemberton contributes to Whistler, and is also shut down.

“We don’t need their potatoes. You know, they make 20 per cent of our potatoes,” a voice says. “We don’t need that. I’d rather make them in Cheakamus. We don’t need the potatoes.”

While no firm decisions or timelines are indicated on the recording shared with Pique, officials can be heard agreeing to send a special envoy from Whistler to Pemberton prior to sharing any official annexation plans.

In the recording, a door can be heard opening and closing, followed by audible groans, scoffs, and even a short, shocked yelp.

“Forgive me—I am used to that reaction,” says the unmistakeable voice of philanthropist, entrepreneur, and eccentric local nudist Pene Esposti, who will be familiar to longtime readers of Pique Newsmagazine in the early spring.

Esposti, presumably naked, can then be heard proving his worth for the position by espousing a passionate, X-rated poem about the people of Pemberton, and of course just laying it on thick with the potato references—though sure to intersperse it with repeated claims that “Pemberton is not a real town.”

Once the assembled anonymous officials are finally able to calm Esposti long enough to get a word in edgewise, they ask him how long he estimates it will be before they can move ahead with their annexation plans in earnest.

“Of that I can’t be sure,” Esposti can be heard saying, panting and audibly sweating.

“But certainly before next April Fool’s Day.”