[Single actor, centre-stage, sawing or planing a piece of wood. Single spotlight.]
God: (Disembodied voice offstage.) Charlie.
[Actor stops sawing, looks around puzzled. After looking around, shrugs shoulders and goes back to work.]
God: Charlie.
Charlie: [Stops work again, looks around puzzled. Finally…] Huh? [Receiving no answer, shrugs again.]
God: CHARLIE!
Charlie: (Peeved.) WHAT?... Who’s there? Stop messin’ with me. I’m busy.
God: Charlie… It’s me.
Charlie: Me, who?
God: God. It’s God, Charlie.
Charlie: Who?
God: God. You know, Heavenly Father, King of Kings, God Almighty, God Most High… God.
Charlie: Well, I’ll be damned.
God: I can spare you that unpleasantness. Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to save you.
Charlie: Funny, that’s what my wife said when she said we should get married.
God: I know… I work in mysterious ways. See all, know all.
Charlie: Uh-huh. I always thought that was kinda pervy, no offence.
God: None taken.
Charlie: Okay, I’ll play along. What do you want to save me from?
God: I’m going to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Charlie: Oh, that again. Same old trick, eh? Well, that’s one reason I live in the mountains. Not my problemo, big guy.
God: Don’t be petulant. That’s exactly where I’m going to make it rain.
Charlie: Won’t it all run downhill and flood Squamish and Pemby? We’re kind of the high point, locally. Got a lake that drains in both directions.
God: I’m God. I can do anything I want. No problemo for me. I’m just going to flood Whistler. Wipe it clean.
Charlie: Just Whistler?
God: Just Whistler.
Charlie: The devil, you say.
God: Was that humour?
Charlie: Guess not. Okay, I’ll bite. Why Whistler?
God: I don’t like what you’ve done with the place. You’ve defiled Eden… again. And I had such high hopes for you. I’m going to wash it all away and start over.
Charlie: Seems a little extreme, don’t you think? I mean, aren’t you supposed to be benevolent, turn the other cheek, that sort of thing? Seems like a kinda peevish thing for God to do.
God: You’ve never heard of the Wrath of God?
Charlie: Woke up a few mornings feeling like it… but I always thought it was just a saying.
God: Trust me, it’s not.
Charlie: Yeah, guess you’re right. I never paid much attention to it, but now that you mention it, you do have a bit of an anger management issue, don’t you?
God: What’s that supposed to mean?
Charlie: Well, let’s start with the last time you made it rain. Didn’t you wipe out humanity except for the old guy and his family and all the animals? Didn’t you turn what’s his name’s wife to salt for sneaking a peek back as you destroyed her home? Haven’t...
God: Point made, Charlie. Back to the issue at hand.
Charlie: Okay, sorry, didn’t mean to piss you off. So, you’re God, you’re going to destroy Whistler by making it rain 40 days and 40 nights, yada, yada, yada. You know you could have saved a lot of water 13 years ago by just making it rain for, oh, two weeks during the Olympics?
God: Hmm… I hadn’t thought of that. But, no. That would have been ironic. I’m all about biblical. Besides, the town wasn’t such a disappointment then.
Charlie: Whatever. But why are you telling me all this? Hell, I’m not even sure I believe in you.
God: Then who exactly are you talking to?
Charlie: Good point. Hey, is this just a dream? Am I sleeping? Or having an acid flashback?
God: It’s all too real.
Charlie: Okay. But why me? Why not a true believer? I’m just an aging ski bum.
God: True believer? Believe this—I’ve searched. You’ll have to do. Besides, you know a bit of carpentry.
Charlie: Whatever. So what’s the gig?
God: I want you to build an ark.
Charlie: (Disbelieving.) An ark!
God: Yes, an ark.
Charlie: I’m pretty sure there’s a bylaw against that.
God: If they give you any trouble tell them you’re answering to a higher power.
Charlie: Yeah, like that’ll work. Okay, I’ll play along. How big do you want this ark?
God: Build it 30 cubits by 15 cubits by 9 cubits.
Charlie: Sorry, did you say cubits?
God: Yes. Cubits.
Charlie: What’s that in metric?
God: What’s metric?
Charlie: Ah hah! I always suspected the devil was behind that whole move to metric. [Pause] Wait a minute, wasn’t Noah’s ark something like 300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits? What am I building here, a dinghy?
God: I was trying to save all the animals on Earth then. I’m only trying to save the animals in Whistler. Besides, Noah didn’t have neighbours. You don’t have enough room to build that big an ark.
Charlie: I’ll buy that. But just to be clear, why exactly do you want to wash Whistler away?
God: In the beginning...
Charlie: Wait a minute. I’ve heard that opening before.
God: As I was saying, in the beginning, the town seemed like such a great idea. Weird, but great. It was a pipedream dreamed by true believers. It grew responsibly. It was the little ski town that could. It did.
Charlie: So you’re not big on success?
God: Whistler had success. But you wanted more. You were greedy. That’s one. You were prideful. Two. And you were envious. Three. Three out of seven deadly sins. You lusted for more and more and more. Make it four out of seven. You had it so good, but you couldn’t be satisfied. Time to start over.
Charlie: Oh. I get it. So we’re headed for the “From the Ashes” scenario from the Whistler Sessions.
God: I do like that one. Has Me written all over it.
Charlie: But that’s about building a new community following collapse. How we going to do that if you drown everyone? You think the bears I have in the ark are going to do that?
God: Big picture, Charlie. Think big picture.
Charlie: But I thought God was in the details. Who’s going to rebuild? I don’t think you’ve thought this through. If I were you, I’d take a different tack.
God: Do tell.
Charlie: A couple of seasons with no snow. A couple of summers with persistent rain. A bunch of business failures. Do that and you’d pretty much have the same effect without all the bodies. [Woman enters stage right.]
Woman: Charlie. Charlie. Can you hear me? Charlie.
Charlie: God?
Woman: Charlie. Oh, thank God. You’re alright.
Charlie: Huh?
Woman: I told you those mushrooms weren’t what you thought they were.
[Lights down.]
