By G.D. Maxwell
Friends, in these troubled times, let us take a moment and feel true empathy for our fallen brother, the Right Dishonourable Gordon M. Campbell… prisoner number 03-02659.
Okay, that’s long enough. Now let’s throw him back in the water and watch the sharks circle.
Why is it that when politicians author their own demise they’re the last ones to really understand their career is over? Is it that special arrogance-ego twist on the pigheaded segment of their DNA that makes them so blind to reality?
Gordo "Well, maybe just one more" Campbell is dead man walking. He’s wounded goods. He’s yet another resignation waiting to be announced, another glorious victim of the B.C. Curse.
And the irony of it all is he’s being brought down by the first truly human act he’s committed since becoming Premier of all B.C. – getting pissed on holiday in Hawaii.
Yes, it was Gordo’s personal time. He was on vacation. Of course, he was too stupid to realize it judging from the reports of him bookworming around the pool while the other boys and girls frolicked in the sun and sand. And God knows he deserved to cut loose. Laying waste to virtually every promise he made while applying for the premier’s job will take its toll on even the most humourless gorm.
But 03-02659 has never been very good at – or interested in – drawing the personal-professional distinction in the past. I’m pretty sure his old buddies, Gordon Wilson and Judi Tyabji, were playing ride-the-pony on their personal time. Didn’t stop him from leading the crusade, and it was a crusade, against the hapless, philandering Mr. Wilson. Loose morals, bad judgement, tsk, tsk. Such intolerance, Gordo. Wish you could have a do-over on that one, don’t you?
But when you’re a pompous, self-righteous, holier-than-thou kind of guy, the kind of guy who’s first to rise to his feet and demand someone else’s resignation for the smallest impropriety, the kind of guy who gives no quarter, brooks no dissent, sees no shades of grey, well, what can I say? How about, "Don’t let the door hit you on the way out."
Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t about drinking and driving. Being a charter member of DAMM – Drunks Against Madd Mothers – I’m not worked up into a lather about what the shrill harpies in the Zero Tolerance camp think. We’ve all been there and somehow, it seemed to make sense at the time.
It’s not even about how Gordo continues to lie to the people of B.C., people he seems to think are suckers of limitless depth. By the way, Gordo, honesty is the first of the 12 steps. Three martinis and three glasses of wine? Give us a break. He would have had to be drinking martinis out of milk pails or wine out of fishbowls to blow over 0.08 if that’s all he had over seven and a half hours.
Unless, of course, he drank them all right before he left. Or was mixing them with drugs. Now there’s an image, eh? Gordo and his buds chasing ecstasy with martinis and raving to the island sounds of Gabby Pahinui. Try and shake that one out of your head.
No, the crime that’s been committed here is suicide. Political suicide. The moment Gordo saw those flashing red lights, the moment he couldn’t heel-’n’-toe it on the side of the road, the moment he smiled for the camera and went to the drunk tank to sleep it off, from that moment on, he was politically dead.
He can’t lead the Liberals into the next election against a sea of protestors wearing his mugshot on their T-shirts. He can’t lead with the moral authority needed to pull B.C. out of the Have-Not category into which it’s fallen, even assuming he had any ideas more astute than transferring wealth to the wealthy through tax reductions. Stick a fork in him; he’s done.
But I am not without the milk of human kindness. I feel his pain. And in that spirit, I’d like to save him the time and trouble of "…seeking professional help, to determine if I have an alcohol problem."
Gordo, at the AA Web site – www.aa.org in case you haven’t figured that out yet – there’s a little 12 question test you can take to determine whether you have an alcohol problem. I answered it for you and gotta tell you big guy, you’re definitely on the slippery slope. See if you agree.
1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted a couple of days? I’m not sure but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. No.
2. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking – stop telling you what to do? Oh baby, Yes! Yes! Yes!
3. Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope it would keep you from getting drunk? Hmmm. Martinis to wine to club soda. That’d be a yes.
4. Have you had to have an eye-opener upon waking in the past year? Bet you wanted one the other morning but let’s be generous and say no.
5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble? Well, duh, yes.
6. Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year? See answer to #5.
7. Has drinking caused trouble at home? You mean like possible unemployment? Yes.
8. Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough? Dunno. No.
9. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don’t mean to? Given his propensity to lie, I don’t think any of us believe this line: "I will not drink again." But forgiveness is the hallmark of humanity so let’s just say maybe.
10. Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking? How about the rest of your term in office. Let’s say maybe with a strong likelihood of yes.
11. Do you have "blackouts"? Bet you wish you could have block-outs. No.
12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink? Yeah, I’d imagine that thought has passed through your mind a few times in the past couple of days.
According to AA, if you answer Yes four or more times, you’re probably in trouble with alcohol. I won’t embarrass the future ex-Premier of B.C. by totting up his score but I’m pretty sure we blew past four on the way to number 6.
So remember, Gordo, one day at a time.
