Happy April Fool's! It’s true that Finland is Forbes’ happiest country five years running, but we highly doubt it is due to a militarized happiness policy and strategic administrations of high-grade psychedelics.
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Hoping to combat what it sees as a growing negativity in town, Whistler is instituting a controversial new policy aimed at creating more “good vibes” in the ski resort.
Dubbed the “Good Vibes Only” initiative, the new policy proposes a philosophical shift from the top down, starting with a new set of guidelines for everyone working in Whistler.
A draft of the guidelines shared with Pique details some of the new asks of the local workforce, including things like “smile quotas,” dress codes, daily group dances in Olympic Plaza—and a demerit system for those who aren’t sufficiently spreading the love.
“When every worker is happy and smiling, only then will Whistler truly fulfil its potential as the world’s greatest ski resort,” reads the preamble in the guidelines, prepared for Whistler by Finnish consulting firm Väärennös Yritys.
“Happy workers mean happy guests, which in turn means happy locals (and happy government officials).”
Other highlights of the policy include a new colour guide for Whistler Village (think bright and cheery instead of mountain chic); menu and music “suggestions” for all local establishments; and mandatory cute outfits for all pets in public (failure to comply will result in pets being impounded).
“It might seem overbearing at first, but that is by design,” explained Väärä Mies, author of the guidelines and founder of Väärennös Yritys.
“Finland did not become the world’s happiest country, as determined by Forbes Magazine in its annual rankings for five years in a row, by accident.”
In its 2022 rankings, Forbes credited Finland’s smart urban planning, access to green spaces, progressive taxation and strong health-care and education systems as the main factors contributing to its happiness, but Mies argued the magazine missed the key ingredient.
“The only true path to happiness is through a firm and unforgiving directive,” he said.
As such, the Väärennös method is more stick than carrot.
All Whistler workers will be automatically enrolled in the new Good Vibes Only demerit structure, which will ding workers for offences like not meeting their smile quotas (monitored by Väärennös itself using AI and live, local security footage); expressing negative emotions inside the designated Good Times Zone (which encompasses all of Whistler, including private residences); and missing the daily mandatory dance party in Olympic Plaza.
Rack up enough demerit points, and you’ll land yourself in one of Väärennös’ “Happiness Seminars,” which will run daily from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m.
If that doesn’t work, the next step is a traditional Finnish Public Shaming Ceremony in Skier’s Plaza, followed immediately by a lifetime banishment from the resort.
Offenders must leave Whistler on foot without their clothes or belongings, which will then be dispersed among the town’s top 10 Happiest Workers of the Week.
“Think about it—no more whining. No more frowns. No more upset guests leaving bad reviews,” Mies said.
“The perfect world is achievable through the Väärennös method.”
But the method doesn’t end with workers.
Once the policy is firmly entrenched among the local workforce, Väärennös intends to move to Phase 2 of its method: microdosing the entire population of locals and tourists at strategic locations with a subtle-but-potent concoction of psilocybin and LSD.
The psychedelics would be administered via the local water distribution system, as well as in an aerosol dispersal in every gondola cabin, Mies explained.
“Don’t worry—it’s real grade-A shit,” he said.
“Väärennös’ chemist is no amateur.”
Indeed, the chemistry behind LSD remains shrouded in mystery, with only a handful of people in the world reportedly able to produce the synthetic psychedelic.
Producing a steady quantity of the drug—to be dispersed daily, for free—would normally be a cost-prohibitive endeavour.
Luckily, Väärennös has its own chemist on staff—and he just so happens to have a long and storied history with Whistler.
Psychedelic chemistry is not just a hobby, but a passion and indeed an art form, said Pene Esposti, founder of the legendary Cheekside Naturist Festival and one-time saviour of Whistler Village.
“Most people do not know this, but true LSD can only be produced while completely nude,” Esposti said.
“And I mean tip-to-tail, top-to-bottom—no skimpy undies or socks or anything like that. The particles from the cotton and fabrics get into the chemicals and that’s how you end up with a bad batch.”
OK then.
Esposti went on to describe how his three adult sons, Ano, Pubico and Palle Esposti, all nudists themselves, are also learning the new family trade.
“The four of us have spent many sweaty, naked weeks in my laboratory, labouring over the mirth-inducing joy that will bring our beloved Whistler to the peaks of its true potential,” he said, unprompted.
“Soon the fruits of our combined labours—and yes maybe some hair and bodily fluids, but that’s OK—will be ingested into the hearts and minds of every Whistler local and guest through their daily water intake and gondola rides.”
Gross.
If you’re still reading (and haven’t caught on yet), all of the above is completely fictional. It’s true that Finland is Forbes’ happiest country five years running, but we highly doubt it is due to a militarized happiness policy and strategic administrations of high-grade psychedelics.
Happy April Fool’s Day!
