UPDATE: We hope you enjoyed this year's April Fool's story! Fortunately, Whistler Village is not actually in danger of exploding, and fart tourism is not a real thing (as far as we know).
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When Whistler’s founders were plotting the layout for Whistler Village, building over top of a historic dump seemed like a good idea at the time.
But new research is coming to light showing the world-famous resort couldn’t be in a worse location.
According to recent studies conducted by German research firm GefälschteFirma, a buildup of methane gas in the ancient dump underneath Whistler Village is a “ticking time bomb,” and if left unaddressed will certainly “burst (explode) in a devastating and destructiv (sic)” fashion.
The Resort Municipality of Whistler (RMOW), meanwhile, is quietly weighing two unfavourable options: Slowly and consistently leaking the gas at strategic intervals, or relocating Whistler Village entirely (at a no doubt astronomical expense).
The RMOW did not immediately respond to a request for comment.
In an emailed exchange, Falscher Mann, founder and head researcher of GefälschteFirma, said that no matter what the RMOW decides, Whistlerites and visitors to the resort can expect the air to start smelling differently in the coming weeks and months.
“While methane gas can cause asphyxiation by displacing oxygen, in low amounts and in large, well-ventilated outdoor spaces such as those seen in Whistler Village, there would be little-to-no impact on human health if ventilated correctly,” Mann said.
“There is of course the unpleasant smell to contend with, which would blanket the entire village during each thrice-a-day, three-hour venting period, and which some say is akin to rotten eggs half buried in a sandbox in the summer.”
Mann went on to say that, personally, he enjoys the smell of methane gas, and that in time, Whistlerites will, too.
“After all, we have all become accustomed to such drastic changes in the past year, what is one more?” he said, adding that his childhood home was next door to an open-air landfill, so the methane that might soon blanket Whistler Village three times a day would almost be nostalgic to him.
The rotten-egg smell might even end up its own tourist draw, he added.
“The fresh mountain air for which Whistler’s alpine is world-renowned will be that much more desirable to guests and locals during the venting,” Mann said, reasoning that tourists desperate to escape the stench at valley bottom would drive a spike in lift-ticket sales.
“And not everyone enjoys that impossibly clean air, anyway. My extended family, for example, would love to come visit specifically for the ventings.”
The obvious enormous potential for fart tourism aside, the question remains why the study was conducted in the first place.
GefälschteFirma’s financial backer will be familiar to longtime Pique readers, as he has had his hand in all sorts of ill-fated ventures over the years, including: the Cheekside Naturist Festival; an ultra-high-density employee housing building in Alpine; a new casino on the Parkhurst lands; and a reimagining of the Gateway Loop.
The methane study was inspired by a particularly spicy entree at the Mexican Corner, explained Pené Esposti, billionaire, philanthropist and lover of all things naked.
“For what is civil engineering if not an extension of the biological form?” Esposti said. “It is as I suspected: Just as my biological form was bursting that fateful night, so too is our beloved Whistler Village.”
Esposti went on to say that he regrets nothing about the amount of Mexican food he ate that evening, or the complicated collusion of squeaks and squats that followed in the intervening hours.
“If I had exhibited some semblance of self control over myself—if I had eaten even one less Baja Broccolini—what then? Would Whistler be doomed to explode in a fiery fart cloud of death?” he said, asking the questions that every man must ask himself at some point in his life.
“In my case, I can answer with absolute certainty that yes, it would.”
No matter what the RMOW decides—eternal fart clouds or a new location for Whistler Village—Esposti proposed a new day of honour be pronounced in his name.
While we at Pique don’t have the official power to do that, we’re going to go ahead and say that April 1 in Whistler will henceforth be known as “Pené Esposti Appreciation Day.”
People are tired of April Fool’s jokes anyway.
