With another election upon us, Pique once again reached out to all candidates in Whistler and the Sea to Sky with a short questionnaire to help voters learn more about them. Each candidate got the same four questions, and 1,000 words to answer them in their own words.
Advance polls are open in Whistler through Monday, April 21. Election day is Monday, April 28.
1. Please share a short bio and any relevant experience
I am several years old and work full-time in Whistler at a job doing work. I enjoy a quiet mountain life with my dog, so I will not be divulging any personal information beyond that. I may not be as skilled a liar as some of the other candidates, but I can promise my lies will be much more amusing.
2. Trade with the U.S. aside, what do you see as the top three issues in our riding? How would you address them?
Trade war with the U.S. will not be an issue under the Rhino Party. We will turn the U.S. into the fourth Canadian territory and enjoy free trade with Trump after demoting him to Premier.
Somehow, the top three issues of this election are the same as the previous election. It’s almost like the government we keep electing back has been completely unable to solve our problems. Those issues, of course, are: the economy and cost-of-living crisis, the housing crisis, and the environment. I have previously suggested radical ideas to attempt to tackle these issues, but have been met with few votes and little excitement. Between that and my party being in crisis this past year (leadership change, party restructuring, empty party coffers), we are pivoting in order to be more in line with the popular parties and delivering what the people apparently want.
We will work just as hard as the Liberal Party to get your hard-earned money out of your pocket and into the government’s pockets where it belongs. Just like the Liberal and Conservative parties, we are now committed to getting rid of the middle class once and for all, turning them into working-class slaves who exist to make more money for the oligarchs. To ensure you can be as productive as possible, we will gamble away pensions and get rid of the retirement age altogether. If you’re worried you might still have some time left for leisure and loved ones, don’t worry, we will introduce a six-day work week to ensure you will be too tired with your time off for anything other than looking forward to the coming work week!
Regarding housing, we will again copy the Liberal platform of overpromising and under-delivering. Housing costs have gone up more than 61 per cent during their reign, we think it would have been nice if they had gone up at least another eight per cent. Most people have given up on home-ownership altogether, barely breaking even after paying for rent, bills, and groceries, but we can do even more. By prioritizing protection of the assets of the wealthy, we can surely make rent go up even further and increase the cost of living. Then we will build small apartment ghettos for the worker bees.
Finally, to address the environment, we will also turn China (the largest emissions producer by far) into the fifth Canadian territory. Both they and the U.S. will then be subject to our environmental regulations.
3. If elected, how will you make life better for Whistler residents?
We see now from repeatedly voting the Liberal Party in, that the people do not want life to be better. In light of this, we will promise to work in conjunction with the winning party to make life worse for all! You’re welcome!
4. If elected, how will you help Whistler businesses?
Again, we have seen how the people have actively voted against their own interests, so we will pledge to ruin Whistler businesses by providing tax breaks to big corporations and doing what we can to further increase retail rental costs. We won’t rest until the town is essentially one giant Walmart.
